On the Nature of Sin and Faith - Terry Pratchett

I've been re-reading Terry Pratchett's Discworld books - two of my favorite, thought-provoking quotes are these gem from Carpe Jugulum:

"...There is a very interesting debate raging at the moment on the nature of sin, for example."

"And what do they think? Against it, are they?"

"It is not as simple as that. It's not a black and white issue. There are so many shades of gray."

"Nope."

Some days, God is Like a Fountain and He Refreshes My Soul

Its been an interesting year. Lots of changes - good and bad - and lots of stress - also good and bad. And I have repeatedly found myself burning out on trying to do everything myself - leaning on no one but myself.

I've been forgetting to let God in. 

And it shows.

Inspiration: A New Heart

I went for a walk to pray - to sort out my thoughts, to sort out what my priorities are, to sort out "where am I going" ... 

I often find inspiration when I walk in nature - moments of beauty, moments of death, moments of rebirth, moments of new life rising up, moments of tenderness, moments of awe.

On this walk, I found a stone shaped like a heart...

Making Sense of Tragedy

My title is a lie.

Why?

Because tragedy is not something we make sense of.  We do not make sense of a something like today's shooting at the Sandy Hook Elementary School.

"Making sense of it" presumes there is sense to be had in senseless slaughter.

Helping a Friend to Say Goodbye

One of life's blessings is to support a dear friend in times of grief.

It may seem odd to think of this as a blessing, but consider that the Bible says that serving others is a Gift of the Spirit - and every bit as important as other, perhaps flashier, Gifts... serving a loved one in their dark hours becomes a very rich (if bittersweet) blessing.

Consider the Lilies of the Field

Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?

Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 

Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Therefore do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?' or "What shall we drink?' or "What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, 

and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Sometimes its Hard

Sometimes its hard to be patient, to be kind, to bite my tongue, to sympathize, to be grateful.

When people in my life throw me curves, I want to always be the good love, mom, sis, friend - but there are times when my temper flares, when I feel "why ME?? Why NOW??".

And those are the very times I should remember to take a deep breath...and think of how I have put upon others.

I know I am not perfect, so how fair is it to expect that from others?

So this evening, as I return home after a thoroughly frustrating day, I will set my mood to "calm" and try to have a little time to myself to let the stresses of the day fall away.

As the wild deer longs for water...

Sicut cervus desiderat ad fontes aquarum, ita desiderat anima mea ad te Deus. - Psalm 42

On this sunny Sunday morning, I spy small miracles all around me that refresh my tired spirit:

Bright yellow, starry flowers on a cucumber plant long given up for gone

New tiny green tomatoes

The sweet banter of the early morning birds

And these tiny white flowers, which are growing wild in the "landscaped" area at our local train station (an area in which they simply plopped random assortments of shrubbery two years back, and now neglect completely)

And a completely random overhearing of Palestrina's "Sicut Cervus" as I passed by a small church on my way to the train.

As the wild deer longs for water, so do I long for you, Lord!

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.  
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil;
My cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

Sowing Seeds

On this beautiful spring day, I am planting seeds. As I sow, I wonder. what will come up? What will take to this soil? Will my plants be strong and bountiful? Or weak and straggly. Will I remember to water? Or water too much? At the end, will I have a bountiful harvest or a bitter one?

I ponder the many gardening parables: how does a child who has never sown understand the tale of the mustard seed? Or of how from a tiny seed something large and powerful can grow? Or again, what does one raised away from gardens really understand about vines? About pruning for the good of the vine? About rich or bitter harvests?

Having always been an avid gardener, from a family of avid gardeners, I know what a hard pruning can be. Cutting down almost to the root, in order to stimulate new, fresh growth. It can be a painful choice for the gardener - will the plant survive to flourish anew? Or will it simply die?

How natural then to take this process and apply it to spiritual matters! Is God with you only when you have earthly blessings? Or is He perhaps with you in a more special way when He is pruning you in preparation for new growth?

"I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that beareth not fruit He taketh away; and every branch that beareth fruit, He purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit." - John 15:1-2

Gratitude for Small Favors

This has been a difficult week, starting with a massive nor'easter and following with many dreary and unpleasant bits. So when I came across this small crocus today I was reminded of why I am blessed, why I made some hard choices, why there are still hard choices to be made. And that good does come around in the long run.

I planted a few bulbs in this spot in late September 2001, as gardening was one way I chose to deal with overwhelming grief.

I did not imagine then that this sweet flower would return year after year,

a small personal symbol of rebirth and renewal, 

a small personal symbol of the Promise of the Gospel.

Each spring, this small brave blossom breaks through the still-frozen ground, one of the first signs of life after the bleak winter. Each spring this humble bloom reminds me to stop, to remember, to pray.

And in doing so, I am blessed.

There are moments you remember all your life...

Yesterday, I had the momentous pleasure of introducing my 21 year old son to his 25 year old sister. After 7 1/2 hours were were still laughing and talking, so I believe it was a successful first meeting.

Twenty-five years ago, I had my beliefs and convictions put to a hard test. At the time, I believed a woman should have "choice" if she found herself inconveniently pregnant. But I believed that I personally would never choose to "terminate" (what a euphemism) a pregnancy. When I found myself pregnant at 19, with a boyfriend who honestly believed he was "doing the right thing" by me by simply offering to pay for an abortion, I have to admit that I was tempted. He wasn't an evil man - just weak. And I was young, afraid of the huge responsibility I had just created, afraid of the disappointment my parents would feel, afraid of censure, and so very alone.

The decision was in my hands, and had to be made by me alone. 

No one could make it for me, and no one could share the weight of it - or the consequences. So I chose the only option I could live with. I chose to love my baby - and I chose to give her parents who were older and wiser than I - wonderful parents who could not be parents without her. A lovely couple who adopted her and raised her with love - and the stability I could not provide. And do not think this is a choice made lightly - carrying a beloved child and giving birth knowing that you are choosing a different life for this child is a deeply painful and traumatic experience - akin to loosing a child to death. It is not the "easy" option many pro-life picketers paint it to be. But then again, abortion isn't the "easy" option many pro-choice picketers paint it as either...

Any decision involving a life is a serious decision, with life-long consequences.

So I made my choice - and for 25 years I wondered, "Did I do the right thing? Does she understand? Is she happy? What sort of person is she? Will I ever see her again?" and much, much more. Her new mom sent me letters and photos, and the adoption agency allowed this anomaly for a few years. So when I read horror stories about adoptive families who abuse their new children, I prayed for those children, knowing in my heart that my own daughter was safe. And when I read about adopted children seeking out their birth parents and being rejected, by heart bled for them, knowing that I would welcome my daughter with open arms should that day ever come. And when I read of adopted children rejecting their birth parents, I silently feared my own rejection.

For years I grieved in secret and in silence. I went on to have my beautiful son, and to raise him "alone" with the help of family and dear friends. And all the while, I waited. Wondering how I would explain all of this to my son. Wondering if there would ever be the need.

And then one day I found her ... and I drummed up the courage to communicate.

As hard as it was, as painful as it was, I did make the right decision all those years ago. Life and love are always the right choice!

A Merry Heart

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. - Proverbs 17:22
A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken. - Proverbs 15:13

These are but two references to cheerfulness or merry hearts in the Bible, and they have been touchstones for me over the past few years as I continue to learn to "choose cheerfulness". I very firmly believe that every moment of every day we make choices, and those choices have rippling effects through-out our own lives and the lives of those we interact with - for good or for ill.

While I cannot control what others do, in most cases I can decide how I will respond. Will I pout or lash back after a curt word from a loved one? or will I remember his pain and choose compassion - and a long walk! As I grow older, I am leaning more towards the long walks... and leaning on a Grace that is bigger and stronger than I.

Healing from Grief

In the midst of life, there is death. And in the midst of death, there is life. In our darkest hour of grief, we can be brought to tears of joy at the birth of an awaited and beloved child - and in our brightest joy we can be brought to our knees in grief for an unexpected death.

This is not to say we should look for the worst to happen - NO! Rather we should embody the joy to the fullest extent possible, as a source of strength when bad things do happen! And when we are in our hour of grief, we should allow that its time as well - as hard as it may be.

Rivers run...

All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full;
unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again.

Ecclesiastes 1:7

What can I do?

Many, many people across the country have been touched by this story, and have asked what can they do. And so I am passing this along: 

Thank you all for your outpouring of love & support for Jackie, Warren & their families. A fund has been established and donations can be made to:

The Hance Family Foundation

49 Locust Avenue

Garden City, NY 11530

Please pray that they find some measure of peace.

When words fail

There are times when words cannot move us or in any measure convey our feelings. Times that are so grievous that no matter how beautiful or powerful the words may be, they cannot touch us or bring comfort and peace. Times when anything we say seems to clang the wrong note.

In my time of sorrow, I often found myself utterly speechless - and I took a measure of comfort in knowing that God understood my feelings, even tho I could not express them.

Life goes on, even when we think we can't

This weekend, a dear family friend had her world shattered when a terrible auto accident took her three daughters from this life.

And yet, our lives goes on. 

We wake up in the morning and go about our daily activities. We cry, and we wonder why, but we go on.

1 Corinthians 13 - Love

This reading is very popular at weddings and is one of may favorite readings. It also a reminder to me of how imperfectly I understand myself and the love of God, and how imperfectly I love.

This is really speaking to me today, so I am sharing it with you in full. For those of you not used to KJV, substitute "Love" for "Charity" .

¹Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

²And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

³And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

⁴Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

⁵Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

⁶Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

⁷Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

⁸Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

⁹For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

¹⁰But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

¹¹When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

¹²For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

¹³And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

Patience

"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17-27-28

Today I am being tested and have failed miserably so far. I have lashed out in "self-righteous" anger when provoked by a loved one, and allowed myself to indulge in a petty tantrum before leaving for work. Not exactly a loving, Christian start to the day!

How many times do we allow ourselves to wallow in self-righteousness or pity, and lash out with our tongues in anger and cruelty, rather than practicing patience and forbearance and compassion? I know that while I have grown in God's grace over the years, this is still an issue for me.

And why not? I am human and imperfect - it is only by God's grace that I have any patience and compassion at all! But that can be a slippery slope of reasoning! "I'm imperfect so its ok if I slip up". No! It isn't! It is never "ok" to speak words of cruelty in anger, regardless of what we may see as provocation.

It is my task, when so provoked, to turn to the Lord for patience better than my own. He, who is so patient with my many failings, can easily lend me grace to more effectively and lovingly deal with my petty grievances!