Grief, Children and 9/11

I spent time this morning with my son, Matt - we went for tea at Starbucks before he drove me to my train. I enjoy these little bits of time we carve out for each other, they keep us close.  I get to enjoy the company of an interesting young man who happens to be my son, and we talk about our lives, about politics, about music, and more.

Today, we talked about death - a very specific death. It seems that Matt has chosen to wear a very special suit this weekend (my cousin is being married on Saturday!!). This suit had been custom-made for my brother, Tommy. Tommy was murdered on 9/11 and our world will never be the same.

For Matt, wearing this suit is a special honor, and it makes him feel very close to Tommy. But it also has brought back, very sharply, his pain and feelings of loss. Tommy was like a father to Matt - they had a very special bond and the loss of Tommy will impact Matt forever.

We discussed why God would allow Tommy to die when we needed him and wanted him here. It is moments like this when my faith truly sustains me, but I know Matt is still struggling for answers.

How do we teach our children acceptance? To accept that God allows terrible things to happen? To accept that we live in a broken world? How do we teach them to understand and accept that God will "perfect" a murder, that He created a way for Tommy's death serve His will? How do we explain this to our children so that they understand, when sometimes we don't?

I explained to Matt that perhaps God's plan for him requires that he has a special and very personal understanding of great loss. Matt has certainly been incredibly involved with Tommy's children, to the point where they think of him more as a favorite uncle/big brother than a cousin.

We discussed that perhaps he is being prepared for a special purpose in life. Perhaps at some point, he will be called to help children in need.

 Not that he wants to hear any of this - as he puts it, "I would cut off my hand with a butter knife if I could spend 5 minutes with Uncle Tommy".

Eight years have come and gone, and still there is so much grief, and yet also so much love! Perhaps Matt would not have appreciated the loves in his life if he had never grieved so deeply?

Each of us have found ways of handling our grief: the scholarship, the golf outing, spending time with Tommy's children, spending time with each other.

As I type, my PATH train is weaving its way thru the foundations of the World Trade Center, the foundations of the new "Freedom Tower".

Birth, death, rebirth as something new.

Creation, destruction, re-creation.

Maybe there is something to learn, still?

Rain, Lennon/McCartney

If the rain comes they run and hide their heads
They might as well be dead
If the rain comes, if the rain comes

When the sun shines they slip into the shade
And sip their lemonade
When the sun shines, when the sun shines

Rain, I don't mind
Shine, the weather's fine

I can show you that when it starts to rain
Everything's the same
I can show you, I can show you

Rain, I don't mind
Shine, the weather's fine

Can you hear me that when it rains and shines
It's just a state of mind?
Can you hear me, can you hear me?

Unadulterated

This is the unadulterated Kathy: early in the morning, before any makeup or primping, before my first cup of tea has is done (but after my contact lenses are in!), and before the last remnants of sleepiness are banished.

This is the me that my family and bestest friends know and love. The me that isn't cool or professional in any way. The me that sings around the house and digs in the garden with toddlers. The me that cries over Hallmark commercials.

This is the me I love and they love, and yet it is also the me I am least likely to share. Why? Well, in all honesty I have to say that vanity is one reason. Going out into the world barefaced and fully open-hearted opens one up to a possible rejection of the cruelest kind - that of one's truest self. Makeup and clothes and primping and "attitude" - and the rest - are a sort of armor in that respect. And why not look one's best, after all...

So why post unadulterated Kathy? As a lesson to myself, to remind myself that even tho I work in a field that is obsessed with physical perfection, the people who love me do so because of who I truly am, and not because I can rock a great pair of sunglasses! They don't despise my "physical imperfections" because they see beyond the lines and stray grey hairs.

So even tho my son will still roll his eyes when I sing U2 songs at the top of my lungs whilst dancing about and cleaning his room, apparently he also wouldn't have me any other way :)